?Hooked? ? the small end of nothing

This is the article I wrote for my school?s annual magazine Sex and the Steel City. I wasn?t going to post it, but I thought those of you in the cheap seats might want a look.?

What is success in sex and romance? Our interpretation often equates the permanence of these experiences with their value ? a marriage that ends is a failed marriage; when parties in a relationship separate, it is called a ?breakup?. It stands to reason, then, that the goal of intimacy is to have it last. Perhaps this is why the culture of casual sex faces stigmatization, and why its participants run the gauntlet of unfair marginalization. When the success of sex and romances lies in its permanence, casual sex is failure.

There has been much discussion of late concerning the harmful effects of slut-shaming and the narrow description one?s sexuality must fit in order to be tolerated, let alone accepted. The media by which we receive our information telling us what constitutes a healthy and successful relationship are punitive to those who lie outside these confines. We are taught that monogamous, committed, lasting relationships are in binary opposition to the one night stands and friends-with-benefits engagements that are staples of hookup culture. More than in opposition, the two are degrees on a scale of respect. In order to respect ourselves and be respected by others, we must abandon a lifestyle of transient intimacy in favour of more lasting connections. If this occurs, it is seen as a vertical graduation and not a lateral transition.

To change the definition of success in sex and romance is to change the way that people relate to each other and the way that they approach their relationships as complex entities in need of attention and care. Defining success as endurance devalues relationships that don?t last, although the length of a relationship is often irrelevant to its health and capacity to produce happiness. In fact, many of our relationships, both romantic and otherwise, do not last the course of our lives, and these endings are often constructive to our experience and identity. People change. Circumstances change. In one way or another, the geography of a relationship shifts and it is no longer healthy or desirable. This is not inherently wrong. A relationship that ends is not a relationship that fails.

Failure in sex and romance is failure to grow. People learn from experiences, and sex and romance are experiences. Approach relationships as failed only if they lack lessons, pleasure and respect, and a world of intimacy and joy opens up in committed monogamy and casual hookups alike. There are people with whom we want to spend our entire lives, people with whom we only want to spend the next few hours, and any number of different encounters between and around these. They are all opportunities.

Love more than love endured over time. Be present in your own learning experience, in your own pleasure and desire, in your respect for yourself and for the people who move through your life. Accept that different people want different things, and that this will lead them toward different experiences. The person who loves being single at the same time as loving sex is no less deserving of respect than the person who loves their significant other, and no less likely to find happiness. The important thing is to strive for success in our relationships, be they fleeting or lasting ? to strive for health and happiness in whatever we do.

Source: http://thesmallendofnothing.wordpress.com/2013/02/15/hooked/

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